It was early, not more than the usual when an arrow busted my eardrums and my soul began to bleed. A wave of blood drowned me in pain and made me forget what I had heard. When I caught my breath I remembered again:
-Are you there?
– Yes.
I asked you hundreds of times, with my eyes set in the sky while holding the necklace you gave me. The only physical object I had with me. I didn’t let go of it all day.
I boarded the next plane to Portugal. Twelve hours I was alone. Eight of them with my forehead glued to the window, watching the day turn into night, like a colored wave that washed away any trace of hope. The stars shined and none of them were you. I didn’t see you, I didn’t feel you and I didn’t wake up.
I called you, but you didn’t answer. I listened to the voice messages, read the conversations and remembered the last time we said goodbye. My eyelids burn from crying. Tears flow without permission and because I don’t clean them they dry themselves.
I didn’t sleep, didn’t eat and then I arrived.
Portugal is not Portugal. I went without wanting to go, I went because life betrayed me.
Death brought me to Portugal.
As soon as I got off the plane, I lost the warmth of my body and froze. I was in denial and shock. I had no reaction. My brain became numb and my lips moved on their own.
Don’t talk to me, don’t give me your condolences or say that you’re sorry for my loss. Just don’t say anything. I want silence because I want to hear him and I can’t. I want so very much to remember him and I can’t because everyone is suffocating me. Hundreds of people are pressing my body and kissing my face… Just leave me alone!
Am I supposed to know what to do? What do I do to this love that sets my chest on fire? What now?
I’m not looking for answers. I want him back.
I lost my father.
He’s not dead to me. There is a lifetime of memories, but there will be no new memories. And that’s what’s killing me.
There is nothing left and there will be no life after this.
You are the man of my life. I was lucky to have told you that, four months ago when we said goodbye for the last time. I don’t know why I said this, but I did and you cried.
Now I’m the one who cries, Pappy. And I’m going to cry every day until I forgive. I will read you my writings so that you may sleep in peace. I will always be with you. You will never be forgotten, you will never be an old memory. I am your blood and you are my signature.
It’s five in the morning, I just took a Xanax but the emptiness suffocates my heart. I’m lonely and lost Pap. I don’t know how to live now.
Without you.
A lot without you.
A forever without you:
– Pappy, are you there?
– Yep, still here!
– These are only voices that I make up in my head, aren’t they?
– Yes, they are.
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