Died on me

In the uncertainty I lose myself in thoughts of loss and detachment. Have to admit that you died on me.

There were, a few, moments of loyal companionship, truth in your eyes and genuine joy, that you expressed for me. Enough to change me forever. Through the pain you forced me to grow and I will never thank you for it. You destroyed someone who’s only crime was loving you. Someone who loved you more than she loved herself. I lost myself and the woman I was raised to be, reasons why I would never forgive me.

However, I miss longing and belonging to someone. So it is not you I miss, but the idea I had of you. I loved the shadow of a man that I idealized. Maybe I didn’t even loved you. I do not know. I don’t know what my vision of love is anymore, your malicious and ill-considered impulses kicked me into the cabin. And from here the visibility is fuzzy and hideous. But now I know exactly what I don’t want anymore. Love doesn’t hurt! Love in its purest form doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t sour the tears or reverses smiles.

I push away the hallucinatory images of futures and beaches that we never explored, the echo of your voice in my head, your leading role in my dreams and seeing you in unlikely places. I repulse the wish that it was you who embraced me on the seashore, kissed my salty wet skin and was there complete, loyal and without lack of love.

Eventually, the day I’ll find, true endless, love will come. In the meantime, I’ll vanish my memory of you.